Dare you to move.

I had a strange painful moment last night. Strange in it’s complete randomness, painful in its sudden gut wrenching impact. I picked up the guitar and strummed the intro to Iris, and then I completely fell apart. Got as far as ‘I’ll give up forever to touch you’ and just broke down in tears.

For the first time, even though I’ve been listening and loving that song since I first heard it on the radio, I had no idea who that ‘you’ in the first line was. I didn’t know her. Didn’t know who she was. And it hurt so much, so badly, I just sat in bed and cried.

Managed to finally fall asleep at about four in the morning. Merciful sleep.

There’s people I care about, and there’s people I see myself being with twenty years later, there’s people I see myself being with now, and I don’t know. I just don’t know. The not knowing is worse than the knowledge. Painful knowledge I can deal with, but how do you deal with something intangible?

How do you deal when someone never tells you how they feel about you?

How do you deal when someone says ‘maybe’ and ‘might have been’?

How do you deal when the persons you thought cared only bother you when you have something they want?

If you only knew how much it wounds me inside; how much I don’t let show.

I don’t want to lose. But losing is all I seem to be capable of doing. How do you make a difference to other people if you can’t make a different in your own life? Yet somehow I manage it, barely.

The song is right, the world doesn’t understand. It cannot understand.

But I can, and I will. I defy the world. I make the choices in my life; no one makes them for me. This is my life, this is my pain, my cross, and I will bear it to its ultimate conclusion. I will understand.

If only I had the emotional strength left to believe what I say.

The following is a bit raw, but it's not all me, there's a bit of other people in it too. I'm sorry. I shouldn't burden you, but it seems like I do.

Mouth.

I feel small and insignificant
What does one do?
When she speaks the words you want to hear
To someone else other than you?
When she tells you the secrets of her heart
But heart, refuses to give?

How many times can a man acquiesce
Before your back breaks?
How much more can you stand to give
While all she does is take?
I love you so much but you don’t know me
I’ve been here but you’ve walked on by

For you I’d write a love song every day
But why is it never me?
‘You’re always such a good friend’
And my love you fail to see
Taken for granted, taken for a ride
Scars unclothed in your presence

I held your hand through the darkest valleys
Held your hand when you were in doubt
I was there when you fell in love
And I fear I might still be here if you fall out
Though seasons turn, now old and feeble
Unrequited, I would love you still