Becoming.

I think duality is intrinsic to my nature. The explosively aggressive pacifist, wanting to be open but fearing being hurt, self-esteem issues but arrogantly overconfident, outcast trying to fit in, et cetera.

I'm probably hard for you to come to grips with. For me, it’s sometimes dependent on who I am, or who (or what) I need to be for the moment. I don’t exactly subscribe to social constructionist views, but I see where 'different selves' is valid within my psyche. I beg your forbearance: I know I am inconsistent.

Humanistic psychological theories like to target such inconsistency and through that, help the process of ‘becoming’. How ironic that that is my current preferred approach to psychology.

I know sometimes my cognitions and behaviours are maladaptive, and constitute cognitive processes and coping strategies no longer relevant. I know some parts of me are holdovers that are incongruent to who and what I am. In that, I am my own worst enemy, and jailer of my growth.

This is me. As I struggle to change some things, I must also struggle to accept others.

I have to be honest, brutally so, with both myself and how that self is expressed to you.

That said, I have trouble letting you see the wounds and scars. I fear to do that myself. I fear the pain. I fear finding out that there is nothing more to me. I fear you finding that there isn’t anything more to me.

I'm searching, but I haven’t found what I’m looking for. I don’t know what I am searching for, and that is self-defeating. Thankfully, I am largely self-aware.

I’m afraid I’m going to be a little selfish for a while and focus on my own journey of becoming. Thing is, I’m not sure I can make it on my own. Will you journey with me? I want you to.