Maybe I'm a jerk.

I find myself questioning some persons’ motives.

Why do I find myself second-guessing? Because when you’re stuck in between two (or sometimes more) friends with differing opinions of each other (i.e. active dislike versus apathy), you hear both ends of the tale. Sometimes you cannot help but wonder whether one sees you any differently because of your continuing relationship with the other.

Friendship appears to implicitly include a range of attitude endorsements, where non-conformity is grounds for that relationship termination.

As much as I’d like to be neutral, I also know whose friendship I’d favour over the other, if push came to shove.

So I found myself in a fix on Friday evening. To either (1) go for a friend’s going away party; (2) go for another friend’s birthday party; or (3) study in the library because I promised someone else I’d study with her. I went with the last option.

Thankfully no one missed me at party one, although some mates did give me some stick for it yesterday at work (we all love Mel; even when she is drunk and passed out on the floor). What did concern me was that no one bothered to give me the exact details of party two. Just goes to show how much some people think of you. Polite enough to invite you, scheming enough to not bother to update you, or even ask where you were on the evening.

I sent a text message apologising to Mel for being unable to make it though, because I felt bad about not going (although I did fudge the details a bit, she doesn’t need to know what I was really doing).

Maybe I like to formulate judgments of people based on my own experiences, as opposed to second-hand knowledge. Sadly some people have consistently failed to show me otherwise by their actions.

I’m sorry, should I be more disappointed in them, or in myself?