All that you can't leave behind.

The voices in my head refuse to shut up. Thing is, I know they’re there; different aspects of me given a tangible voice through awareness. Give, or take. Stay, or go. A constant conflicting internal dialectic. Sometimes I just get torn, I get stuck; sometimes I wish someone would pull me out.

It’s like every life I touch will one day not need me. I get sick of that feeling. As much as I am drawn to persons, part of me wants to stay away. The dynamic changes, the relationship changes, people move on, and damnit I’m still here. I’m changed by you too.

I am the lover, I am the hater. I am the friend, I am the enemy. I am the light, I am the dark. I am the selfish, I am the selfless. I am the hurting, I am the hurter.

One constant pattern is that I fall for people I can’t have, people who don’t love me back. And I find that in my life, few people actually do love me back.

Welcome to my parlour; won’t you step on me for a while? Lean on my strength. Then walk away and pretend that you didn’t leave a mark in my life like I probably did in yours. It’s not an issue of gratefulness; it’s not even an issue of possible romantic feelings.

I know what my demons are; they rant and rage at the edges of my conscious personality. The fear of being rejected, the fear of disappointment, the fear of not being good enough, the underlying simmering anger, the capacity to hurt, the fear of being hurt, and the biggest damn one of them all; the fear of being alone.

Autophobia. Demon 101. Inexorcisable.

I’m not that strong on my own. I can be, but being strong on my own means not needing other people, and what kind of life is that? A self-focused, miserly, utterly miserable life. I lived like that for a while. Never again.

I want to live in the open. I want to see the sun. I want you in my life so badly that I’m willing to walk away just so that I can see you smile every day you’re not with me. Thing is, I don’t know who you are anymore. If you even exist. If there is a chance for you and me. If you can see past the niceness and touch me inside without walking away. If you could be the other half of my soul.

Because I’d be that person for you. If you let me.

If I knew who you were.

I should give you a name, maybe until I find out what your name is.

Let’s call you… Peyton.

Char might be right, I just might be Nathan.