Metaphysical emptiness?

There is a curious emptiness inside me that no one can really fill. Not an emotional emptiness per se, but a hollow feeling often equated with existential angst. A metaphysical emptiness, if you will.

Char was telling me that the only person who can fill it is myself, because looking to another to fill it would only drain that other person. I would agree, save that I know what she’s getting at, and no, it’s not that kind of emptiness, it’s something else.

I can’t put a finger on it. It’s like that constant yearning for the greater that leads man to God that Augustine talks about. It’s a strange emptiness that leaves me vulnerable, yet somehow empowers me to want to reach out to other people, to want to help, to want to reach above and beyond myself.

It’s not that I’m not at peace, or not in a place of acceptance. I am.

The emptiness is always there. I take it as a spur, something that drives me, because I know that there is no fulfilment until I find rest in Him, when I finally return Home after this long journey. It’s like a wanderlust. A calling.

That emptiness is different from that yearning I have to be in a complete loving relationship with someone else. That is an emotional void, and that one I can deal with by myself. Close the circle, if you will. I think speaking about both things at the same time were what confused Char.

Admittedly, I have been rather morose lately. It might be stress. The thesis has to be submitted in 11 days. Time is running out. It might be that gentle regret. It might be that feeling of disappointment I have with myself.

Sometimes you wonder if the things you gave up were worth the cost in regret. Sometimes you soldier on.

I soldier on.