Aftermath?

I might be suffering from post-retreat blues. I just don’t want to have to deal with the real world and its cares and troubles right now. Inevitably, some of what you’ve gained from a retreat is lost through attrition, valid only within the context of that retreat.

I find myself (as always) at another one of those crossroads. A little gentle regret mixed with a little jealousy and a lot of happiness, tempered with a strange peaceful acceptance. Maybe I have matured over the years.

There’s something about being in a collective environment (albeit temporarily) which makes me wonder about my life choices. Time was when I was contemplating a different pathway. I still wear that cross around my neck as a reminder of who I could be, can be, and the kind of man I should be.

Fr John-Paul once told me, “Chastity is easy because your life goals are different: your energies are involved elsewhere. Poverty just needs getting used to. Obedience is the largest stumbling block most will have.”

Hopefully I don’t sound presumptuous if I say that I think I’ve managed to pull off the ‘man I should be’ part with decent success.

Like I told Char on the way back from Shawn’s last night, I’m contemplating two things. To either stay, or go. It’s hard because I’ve lost a sense of where home is. I’d go back to Singapore because of the friends there, not because of any great affection for the place. I contemplate staying because the general irreverence and slower pace is conducive to my continued sanity, although besides the couple of persons, there isn’t much else holding me here.

Hopefully I can sort things out when I get back to Singapore in January. Hopefully I will get into the Master’s programme, then I can delay the ‘staying or going’ decision for just that much longer.