Used.

I’m not supposed to miss someone, but I find that I do. And every time I want to move a little closer I get these signs that say that I should really mind my own business and stay away. Strange how things turn out. The more people I meet, there more I see a duality in what they say and do, almost as if those selfsame people who profess ‘I just want to be loved’ are themselves the ones who are pushing others away. It’s a self-perpetuating cycle that feeds in on itself, churning out those negative emotions we so desperately want to avoid.

Similarly, it’s almost as if every time I get close, the door slams shut, or the gentle breeze comes and blows the chance away. Not meant to be? I don’t bother to believe in fate or predestination, we make our own choices and determine our own path. Events turn out the way they do because of the sheer capriciousness of human interactive potential, which dictates that those events very often spiral out of our immediate control. Maybe in that sense of human interactions and pathways, chaos theory works.

I find myself feeling somehow used. As if I am called upon whenever there are deeds to be done, or help to be given, and swiftly thrown aside once those objectives are completed. Almost as if the level of affection increases with the level of immediate need. I refuse to believe that we as humans can be so coldly manipulative, although so often I see evidence to the contrary; friends forced into corners and acquiescing to requests because of the manipulative, sometimes outright vindictive nature of the people around them. Love, or the imagination thereof, is a powerful tool, even more so when turned and used against you.

I’m happy that the outcomes are positive for the parties involved, but somehow a nagging doubt plagues me. Was the result worth the cost? Can we consistently invest our hearts into something and consistently be denied without cost to our hearts or heart’s resolve?

Still, “no greater love has a man…” (John 15:13). How does one live up to that?

Henry David Thoreau once wrote, “Be not too moral, lest you cheat yourself out of life. Aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something”. Mayhap the call to doing what is right is not merely enough, but is there something above to aspire to? A very interesting point was raised during the sermon on Sunday. It is well and good to choose between a good and an evil deed, but it is far more difficult to choose between two courses of good, especially when neglecting one course would be construed an evil, after a fashion.

The things we do for friends.

Always Love - Nada Surf

To make a mountain of your life
Is just a choice
But I never learned enough
To listen to the voice that told me..
Always love… Hate will get you everytime
Always love… Don’t wait till the finish line

Slow demands come 'round
Squeeze the air and keep the rest out
It helps to write it down
Even when you then cross it out

But Always Love… Hate will get you every time
Always Love… Even when you want to fight

Self-directed lies
I want to know what it’d be like to
Aim so high above
any card that you've been dealt you...

Always Love… Hate will get you every time
Always Love… Hate will get you

I've been held back by something
Yeah. You said to me quietly on the stairs,
I've been held back by something
Yeah. You said to me quietly on the stairs.
You said…
Hey, you good ones.
Hey, you good ones.

To make a mountain of your life
Is just a choice
But I never learned enough
To listen to the voice that told me
Always love…hate will get you everytime
Always love…hate will get you…

I've been held back by something
Yeah, You said to me quietly on the stairs,
I've been held back by something
Yeah, You said to me quietly on the stairs
You said..
Hey, you good ones
Hey, you good ones
Hey, you good ones