Crash. Into me.

What do you do when your car suddenly stops in the middle of South Street and refuses to start? Now imagine its 15:45 and traffic is heavy as, you’ve got a pile of cars behind you, and it still won’t start. After a good three seconds of panic, you try and figure out what’s stuffed up. They don’t make cars like they used to.

It’s a strange day really, the car dying is as absolutely smashing as it gets. A few helpful blokes did help me to get the car onto the road shoulder, and one kind soul tried to jump start the damned contraption (unsuccessfully). I ended up calling Charmaine to ask if she could give me a lift home (which I’m really really really grateful for, thanks Char!). Car’s sitting in the workshop now, and they’ll have a gander tomorrow; only thing left is the damage on the pocket and how long it’s going to take before I can get the little blue beast up and running.

On a whim, I texted Sarah about the car, and she offered me the use of her's while she’s in Sydney (thanks Sarah!), and on top of that I was feeling bad about having to trouble Charmaine. Then Char said something to me which completely blew my mind: “Stop feeling bad and just accept the love” (to which I responded, “I’m Chinese, I’m supposed to feel bad!”).

But honestly, it’s hard for me to accept love without feeling like a complete chump. It’s just bloody damned awkward. On one hand, it’s comforting and extremely reassuring that your friends care; but it still doesn’t stop me from feeling bad about it. But you know what? Right after Char said that to me, just for a split second, this warm feeling just washed over me, and I knew that I mattered, and I knew that people cared. Kind of like the feeling of sunshine on your skin, or the warm feeling that starts from your stomach and spreads outwards after that first double shot of Scotch, only better. That’s something that the world can’t take away no matter how cold and cynical things get. Makes you want to give everyone a hug (although it’s probably socially unacceptable). I’d like to think that I’m good at showing love, although maybe I’m not that great at accepting it.

I used to think my heart was pretty open. Now I’m not so sure. I suppose I need to remind myself that it is a two-way street. Maybe that ingrained cynicism just ruins the whole thing. Maybe I am wary of accepting love because of the strings that might be attached even though I don’t attach any strings to the love I show. Maybe I find it hard to accept love because I’m afraid of being hurt.

Maybe I care because I don’t want to be hurt.

Honestly, I have no clue. I really don’t. And maybe I don’t want to know the reasons. But I know that if there was a lesson to learn from today, I’m reading it loud and clear. Got to learn to open the heart wider. Got to learn to accept love. Got it.

I’m just really grateful for the people who helped me out today (and offered to help me out, I don’t know whether I’ll take up Sarah’s offer until we ascertain how long the repairs will take, this being Australia after all). You made me feel special. Even though I don’t often say it, I really care for you guys, you know?