100 reasons why I love Singapore

I'm bored. In no particular order:

1. Easy access to food.

2. A transportation infrastructure so complex that walking 200 metres to the bus stop is considered far.

3. That 200 metres IS far.

4. Nothing ever stays the same, except for your favourite mee pok man.

5. Except that he moved to Jurong last year.

6. And his son’s mee pok ain’t half as good.

7. That you can discuss your next meal while consuming your current meal.

8. Reasonably cute chicks who embrace the social stereotypes of what it means to be pretty.

9. Even though they aren’t. Points for effort.

10. And they end up looking all the same anyway (seriously, can you tell them apart these days?)

11. Rebels against the predominant culture still embrace a predominant counter culture.

12. Stupidity is a national disease.

13. Sheep are more populus than people. Oh wait. That’s New Zealand.

14. Even with the infrastructure, public transport is never on time.

15. Singaporeans are always slightly late.

16. Fashionably late means keeping everyone else waiting for two hours.

17. That you can somehow occupy those two hours.

18. As long as you’re not that attached to your cash.

19. Scrounging off parents and passing their money off as your own accomplishments is acceptable.

20. As long as you’re free with it.

21. All young males share a wonderful two-and-a-half year bonding experience that builds character and prepares them for the challenges of the future.

22. Against their own free will.

23. Singaporean males are generally jerks, so much so that no one dates nice guys anymore.

24. Nice guys always finish last, unless their parents have money.

25. Non-canonical Protestant Christianity is not a religion, it’s a fashion statement.

26. Friendships aren’t friendships, they’re relationship networks.

27. You can get grotesquely unhealthy (but oh, so yummy) food at all hours.

28. But a salad costs more than four normal meals put together.

29. Cab drivers know not only what’s happening in the world, local politics, public opinion, future predictions, and tomorrow’s lotto numbers, but are willing to share them with you at no extra charge.

30. Good English is outlawed.

31. Nightclubs open every night of the week, every week of the year.

32. And insist on playing either a grotesque mismatch of techno, R&B, hip hop, breakbeats, trance, or occasionally disco.

33. Rock is effectively dead except for the whiny emo cum punk screamo variety, unless you’re Malay.

34. You are Malay.

35. It is normal to take forever to make a decision unless one is a government employee.

36. Where it is normal to take forever to decide to make a decision.

37. Construction workers are superhuman speed demons kept in check only by lousy pay and amphetamines.

38. It is easier to get laid if you’re white or speak with a ‘foreign accent’.

39. It is a bitch to get laid if you’re local and speak with a ‘foreign accent’.

40. Money is power.

41. No one has money unless you’re in politics or am somehow related to someone in politics.

42. Your football team sucks, which is cool as long as they beat Malaysia.

43. Once every millennium or so.

44. Non-profit organisations pay more to 'certain' employees than multinationals.

45. But everything is okay if you have a readily accessible scapegoat.

46. No one knows where your money really is, but that’s okay as long as someone wearing a white shirt tells you that you have money.

47. Hokkien is effectively the second national language behind bad English.

48. And they’re proud of it.

49. Life has no meaning and it’s acceptable as long as your children get into a good school.

50. One is absolved of all responsibility for the child as long as the person is in school.

51. Psychiatric assistance is readily available to children and adolescents should they need it.

52. Which occurs once every six months.

53. Skimpy clothes are a good replacement for fashion sense.

54. Unless you’re male.

55. Tiger beer is an international export.

56. And it’s still shit.

57. But we have sufficient clout to pay Jessica Alba to promote shit beer.

58. Which doesn’t get drunk anyway, unless you’re a member, or were a member of the SAF.

59. Acronyms are so widely used that no one knows that the acronyms stand for anymore.

60. Cheap government subsidised housing is readily available, only if you’re married.

61. Marriage occurs around age 30, but the number of previous sexual partners can be counted on a single hand.

62. You can get away with being bad in bed because it’s normal and expected.

63. No one has any idea what good in bed means.

64. A nation with a population of seventy percent Chinese can still boast a Chinatown.

65. You have to pay to be allowed to purchase a car.

66. Which still gets stuck in traffic anyway.

67. And the bloke on the train still gets there faster than you.

68. Politeness is outlawed unless you have a girlfriend.

69. People are more concerned about having fun than making babies, unless making babies is part of the fun, then it’s no other concern beyond making babies.

70. Meaningless consumer driven lives are haute couture.

71. At any point in time there’s always a sale on somewhere.

72. Cost never matters as long as it’s a good bargain.

73. It’s cool to be gay, unless you’re in a government job.

74. It’s okay to cheat on your spouse/significant other as long as they don’t know about it, or if it’s a prostitute and they don't know about it.

75. If your surname is Lee, your life is cruisy.

76. Creative Technologies.

77. Pissing off the signficant other is normally easily rectified with expensive presents. Unless it's a violation of no. 74.

78. That the most accurate news about Malaysia is found in Singaporean newspapers (and vice versa).

79. Beer is occasionally cheap between the hours of work and going home.

80. Women never get pressed for sex because their men are normally too tired.

81. Men have a 4 week paid tropical resort island holiday every year, courtesy of the SAF, unless you’re lame, dumb, blind, stupid, or have a good friend who’s a doctor.

82. Men are generally mice once they get married, girls, take note.

83. Girls are generally a little crazy but are kind of nice inside, men, take note.

84. The cute ones never seem to date the ones they’d logically date, meaning that there’s always a chance for the rest of us.

85. Extra-curricular participation is mandatory in schools.

86. Kids are still fat regardless.

87. Army duffel bags now come with rollers just in case the poor souls can’t carry the weight.

88. New casino means more gambling means more people being more broke than they already are means more money for the nation means higher chances of government hand-outs come election year. Stop me once this starts to sound like a vicious cycle.

89. Gambling is a religion.

90. Everyone older than you can be addressed as ‘auntie’ and ‘uncle’ regardless of actual relations.

91. Durian, the unofficial 'national fruit' is imported from Malaysia.

92. Kids can always be sent to Australia if they stuff up. Or Canada.

93. Somehow every coffee shop person is carrying something exceptionally hot, even cans of coke and cups of ice.

94. Looks are everything and substance is immaterial, meaning that many more can succeed financially and socially than previously thought possible.

95. Substance or consequentiality of any sort has been outlawed together with illegal drugs, vandalism, littering and chewing gum.

96. Piracy.

97. The most efficient port in the world.

98. The best airport in the world.

99. Clean and safe.

100. And completely pointless.